I'll just pop online and get a box of screws for that little job I need to do...

Inevitably, ordering anything online will result in email Inbox spam of epic proportions. Even for just a box of screws. They have an email address for you now (clever alias service one or not). You are in 'the system'.

And of course, you are not Mr, Mrs, or anything else you prefer to be. You are their friend now.

  1. Hi [first_name]! Thank you for your order. We'll send the invoice out soon

  2. Hi [first_name]! Here's the invoice for your recent order ten minutes ago. Yes, we probably could have just sent one email for the order AND the invoice, but hey, it looks likes there's a process better this way, eh?

  3. Hi [first_name]! We've now packed your order that you placed fifteen minutes ago, put it in a box and marked your address on it. Aren't we clever? (not really, the label and packing list just popped out of the printer, haha!) And efficient. I mean, fifteen minutes and three emails about it already is good, right?

  4. Hi [first_name]! We handed your parcel to our delivery agents. It's up to them now. Good luck!

  5. Hey bro! We're the delivery agents! Why did you shudder then? Anyway, we've been given your parcel to deliver to you. Be there soon. Why not leave all your details so you can track it? Then we can track you too, haha!

  6. Hey, bro! Your parcel reached our distribution hub. Track your parcel here. See where it goes next. You may surprised at depot number 3.

  7. Hey bro! Your parcel is out with Kevin for delivery. You are stop 125. Did we mention you could track it? Kevin likes Red Bull and leaves a trail of empty cans in remote hedgerows. You can track his route now, LIVE! It's got little animated tracking dots and everything!

  8. Hey bro! We have delivered your parcel. You were/weren't in. It doesn't matter. Kevin delivered it. Somewhere very close to your house. Look, here's a picture of a bin it might be in. Kevin said it rattled like really cool...

  9. Hey bro! Hope you're happy with the delivery we made five minutes ago. Please review your delivery, once you've found your parcel.  Why not give Kevin a Gold star? This will make him happy and he'd really appreciate it after a 363 delivery day on his minimum wage... PS: Do not mark under 5 out of ten. We will shoot him if you do that.

  10. Hi [first_name] mate! It's the shop. Don't forget to review your purchase. It really helps for future customers to hear from other customers (you don't have to have actually used the items yet, just get the review done and we can all relax until the next time you use us)

  11. Hey bro! It's the parcel company. You might have forgotten to review our delivery we did two days ago. Do it. Now.

  12. Hi [first_name] mate! It's the shop. Yeah, the one that sold you some screws two days ago. Don't forget to review your purchase. It really helps other purchasers. Do it. Now.

  13. Hi [first_name] mate, it's the shop you bought some screws from. Here's the latest screws newsletter you don't remember ticking the box to get – or not get – seven days ago. Look, whichever way round you did, it was the other way. You don't remember doing that? Of course not. No, don't unsubscribe..

  14. You have successfully unsubscribed from this marketing list. Awww... we're sorry to see you go. I hope you'll be back one day, chum... Aww, mate. Is everything alright? Honestly, we hope you will come back and sign up for 'Weekly Screws' again soon. You're missing out on some great offers!!! Oh well, please remember us fondly. We've had so many good times together.

By the way [first_name], please fill out this quick survey to let us know what we can do better next time.

You're not there, are you?